[PTSD Is My Life]

Originally Posted by adhOLapbNwaST! ↗

i never cut to the bone, but back when i did cut, (one to two inches deep and two to four inches wide), i did not feel the pain of it. disassociation takes care of the pain for some of us. later on when being stitched up in ER, or after having surgery, definitely felt it. 2yrs and 2mos cut free now.

That's good going. I don't want to sound patronising, or god like in anyway but that is a major achievement and one you should be proud? Not the best word but I hope you continue to be cut free.
I always found/find it fucking annoying that people who choose to use hard drugs (I know some have "different" circumstances), but I'm talking about the ones who chose to take them for "fun". There are millions spent on rehab, counselling, life courses, "location removal" courses (bloody holidays in places most can't afford) they have opportunities of help and assistance in almost every small town.
But, a cutter, who has little say or choice in their actions (for those who say, they chose to pick up the blade etc..... Look into it, get to know a cutter) they are tormented by a myriad of different nightmare like situations from the physical, the mental, social stigmatising, peers pressure, low self esteem, desperate for some control of their own in a life often run, ruled over and directed by others.....for these people there is nothing, except critisism, social out casting, peer rejection, even the majority of so called "professionals" like: doctors, nursing staff, councellors, youth/teen workers would rather be faced by and be more accepting to an intravenous drug user than a cutter.
Example: a young kid gets into class A narcs and a "specialist" or "professional" will fall over themselves to get help, assistance from those lined up waiting to help these poor misguided or whatever kids..... Go in and show your self inflicted wounds and.... Be prepared for scorn, ridicule, anger, little or no understanding and the vast majority wouldn't even bother to try and understand or get assistance from the few bodies of people who do understand, who "get it" because like yourself you've battled it, fought with it, you've won battles with it and lost battles, but ultimately you won the war. And that is an achievement, a major achievement that will seldom be recognised or even acknowledged by the majority.
Stand up in a group of people and say "I have been free from" heroin, meth, or whatever for 2 years 2 months and listen to the oooh's and ahhhh's and the well done you, it must have been so hard for you, well done etc etc blah blah puke.
Try saying, I have been free from cutting, harming, self mutilation (or your chosen choice of description) for 2 years 2 months and listen to the oohs and aaaahs and then nothing..... Then the whispers, stupid #}{{, attention whore, fucking idiot, what are you going to tell your kids about your scars, your going to regret having done that when your older....but the junkie can sit in his/her praise and bask in the knowledge his kids will be proud of their achievements...
Sorry but it pisses me off, I met a young girl (teenager) when I was in my early 30's and an Drill Instructor on Basic Military Training and after hearing other (instructors) taking the piss I decided to see what, why and when and it was hard going, there was so little out there (1999) what there was, was all connected to porn sites as a sideline along with anorexia.
So I had to go it alone, I had a shit childhood, and I mean one from hell, physical, mental and sexual abuse, starvation with regimes of bread (2slices often mouldy) and a pint of water a day (1/2 before school, if I was allowed to go, about 3/4 a pint of heavily salted water (with hot chillie sauce if he was feeling really vicious) and I had to vomit into a bowl to prove I hadn't "stolen" any food at school (even though I qualified for free school meals I dare not eat them as I would be made to eat what came back when I was "purged before god" blah blah and yawn and I recognised some abuse in this kid. I was the first person she admitted it to, how since the age of 6 her Father, brother(about 20 yrs older) and Uncle had all been abusing her (and each other) eventually she told me at the hospital wing in front of the Police (she would/could only talk holding my hand) there where videos galore of the fun filled evenings she spent with her loving male family members while Mummy dear sat in the next room watching the TV. Apparently in quite a few she can be heard laughing, offering tea, coffee (good religious family so no alchohol) or telling them to be quiet or telling her to shut the fuck up when she would cry out in pain or desperation.
She joined up to run away and the mutilation was done hoping school would see it and whisk her away to a care home (never happened) and also because daddy dear and big protective brother found it repulsive and left her alone more often she even mutilated her breasts and genitals. I have fought in 3 major conflicts and seen some horrors, but I was reduced to a wreck by what I saw when she insisted in me being there for her forensic examination. Even with panties on you could see the damage and scars of years of desperation.
I begged the military not to fail her, not to send her back to the family who would continue to "use her as they saw fit" as it came to light lovely granddad was at her before he died (in fact they found pictures of her naked in bed with him as he laid there in hospital tubes out of him (as a last gift to him from his son(s).
The military didn't abandon her (although I pissed of so many people I never saw any more promotions, but it was worth it). She went through 3 years of extensive therapy with the best out there, the military PTSD teams, they treated her as the heavily tortured and abused prisoner she was. (When you hear about Sgt so n so was released from capture and met family members and then they disappear its because these guys are rebuilding them. They usually sedate the fuck out of them and over the next xx months/years treat them and slowly remove the opiate drugs that have stopped them from giving in - that's exactly what they did for her) that was 12-13 years ago, about 5 years ago we started a structured "parting" as she was by then (free from her structured and fully intentional & carefully administered opiate drug dependancy and was finally guilt free, (too long to enrich on as this is hugely long already) and as I had been injured out in Iraq 2005 and the injury (perm spinal damage) I was having difficulty dealing with the med discharge the pain and it brought to light 3 conflicts of shite I thought where safely locked away, so for my good and hers we cut back on the phone calls (she was down from 3-4 a day in the early days to a once a month ritualistic call) and looking for a big symbolistic "END" they suggested to her I be the last cut from her past and she could then be free. It broke my heart to say goodbye. But they where right in what they did. They where concerned her seeing me disabled could "smash the white knight image" she had of me. I had stood in front of her at court when she gave evidence so the scum couldn't try and intimidate her by staring when she received threatening calls she had a link to just zipppp and they came through to me and I dealt with them (&recorded them, complete with my no holds barred threats to their wellbeing).
She entered the military in late 1998, was released from her residential treatment in 2002 and into a "house" on site she shared with 2 others. She was released from the residential 24hr watch in late 2004 (I think, maybe early 05).
She then started a 2 year residential nursing course as she wanted to specialise in Military Trauma (Physical Wounds) and as we parted she had qualified and moved into the counselling world. She is now an Officer, not just any Officer but she is behind the Military initiative to identify and catch the vulnerable as soon as is possible in their career, so they don't (as was/is common) get paid and drink the memories away. She became a Mother 3 years ago and married later that year, to another Medical Officer. I found this out as she requested I be informed that the little girl had my name as a middle name and that my part in her story would be told to her daughter from the outset and that I would always be the father she wanted.....

Now..... Do I post this epic rambling story of your, hers and I suppose my fight or select all and delete? I shall put the kettle on make a drink and pause .... But either delete or send I will not re-read it....

Alrighty… no-one will waste their time reading it and if they do and don't like it or claim I'm attention seeking, well it's their fault for reading it, but your achievement over this past 2+ years and hers over the past 12 should I believe "be out there"

So sorry for the huge war and peace size novel but here goes…

[LadyCPlum]

Originally Posted by intelxtreme ↗

its no emo girl its emo boy ***

Very mature of you, butt bandit boy.

[northernlights]

A question for the professionals out there. Do you think she administers any narcotics before cutting? Obviously when you see wide open wounds like that where even arteries are visible the pain must be atrocious. Or is she just doing that straight.....under the influence of no medication? That would take incredible will power or perhaps a mind that is tainted to a ridiculous degree. All opinions are appreciated.

[Ironic_brew]

Originally Posted by northernlights ↗

A question for the professionals out there. Do you think she administers any narcotics before cutting? Obviously when you see wide open wounds like that where even arteries are visible the pain must be atrocious. Or is she just doing that straight.....under the influence of no medication? That would take incredible will power or perhaps a mind that is tainted to a ridiculous degree. All opinions are appreciated.

Not professional, but know the feeling.
Doubt she has any medication in her system. Its the pain that gives the buzz. Releases hormones that make you feel better, then go on to release adrenaline that make you go further. Plus, the pain isnt that bad. Once you get past the skin, the nerves are a lot less and so there is hardly any pain once you get to a certain point. Once you hit a nerve, well thats a different a thing, that hurts, but it dosnt take much to go through one, though the longer lasting effects of that, are much worse. Chances are, by now, most of her body is numb from nerve severage.

[fuzzy13]

Looks like she meets all my requirements to take to meet the rents.

[LadyCPlum]

Originally Posted by northernlights ↗

A question for the professionals out there. Do you think she administers any narcotics before cutting? Obviously when you see wide open wounds like that where even arteries are visible the pain must be atrocious. Or is she just doing that straight.....under the influence of no medication? That would take incredible will power or perhaps a mind that is tainted to a ridiculous degree. All opinions are appreciated.

I'm guessing she probably feels no pain in a sense, the rush of adrenalin might negate any need for anesthetic. And if she does feel, she probably WANTS to.

[Bexi]

oh my god

[nannaranna]

you would think if she wanted to die that bad she would of found a more effective way? clearly the arm slashing isn't working out too well.

[daughterofthenight]

i have 31 months cut free and i'm not going back again.

i felt no pain when i cut. i can't tell you exactly why, but most cutters just don't; i suppose it's bio-chemical. my cuts were generally at least an inch deep, and two to three inches long.

[patsagem]

fucking idiot