[nerdyhippie09]

Hope you are doing better. Sending good thoughts your way!

[flailingmeatmech]

this makes me slightly jealous, i wish i had footage of my suicide attempts to watch when i go back to that place mentally. it's never worth it, and the body demands to survive. if you succeed you end up here with helpful comments pointing out you pissed yourself at the end. no shit sherlock lol.
my last attempt would only possibly recorded from inside the police car i od'd in after they arrested me for my weed pipe. i had called 911 after trying to od and trying to puke it back up. remember kids: destroy paraphernalia before you go! or you'll od in the back of police car while they try to decide what to do with you. i do remember pissing myself by the way, i remember it getting cold while unable to move. i guess that'd be a boring video, but i'd still love to post it here. as a psa lol. here's how it ends y'all, reconsider. always reconsider.
i woke up five or six days later in the ICU in the room with a girl who also tried to off herself. then i was in an unspeakable mental ward. i haven't wanted to die since. i can't put to words what changed but i want to live now. i love living. it's frequently miserable and that's become part of the draw. experiencing shit means something to me now, i don't know what, but it's there. seeing this video reminds me of that very strongly. i hope you continue living. :) you're a special kind of fucked like me and i believe we need to exist for the express purpose of reminding people suicide doesn't work. it doesn't end suffering, it brings it to an overwhelming climax that will destroy any actual resolve to die. your body will always try to ruin the fun, thanks body! i'm glad you were found. i'm glad your body ignored your wishes and held on.

[Spiritual]

Hi everyone, I apologize for the late reply, I don't get the free time to come on here as much as I used to. I really appreciate all the kindness and good vibes, it means a lot. I'll answer some questions that were raised and explain a bit more about what happened.

First off, yes I am spiritual. I am a catholic actually but to be fair I'm not a very good one lol. I don't go to church as much as I used to but I do charity and help others where I can which is good. I was found by hotel staff because I missed the morning check out time. My suicide attempt happened on my birthday, which is ironically, Nov 11th. A day of memorial.

I cried a lot, it was a lonely place to be. I had a rough life, a lot of sexual abuse and I come from a broken home. I had been actively planning my suicide for about a month. I found a group of people who advocate for sanctioned suicide and they would talk to me and help me choose the best method. I had decided to hang myself, and if for whatever reason it didn't work out, I'd go the painkiller and wrist route. I slut my wrist with a scalpel, not your everyday razor blade. It sliced me like a hot knife through butter. I felt no pain, and when it first opened a flood of blood came out and it felt like my arm was under warm water or something. It was weird. I took the pills about an hour before cutting, on an empty stomach with liquor. I remember looking at the bone in my arm and watching it before passing out. I remember everything going black, it was cold, the crappy hotel blanket was soaked in blood.

There was no light at the end of any tunnel, no divine vision. Just black. I did feel a floaty experience but that was probably the codiene. I had a very hard year and just felt like I wasn't welcome anywhere and living in my own skin became uncomfortable. The therapist at the mental hospital I had to stay at did not diagnose me with anything but depression. I was prescribed some TCAs under careful watch so that I didn't overdose on them. I was not allowed to leave the premises for a week unattended. I had to have a crisis care team come to my house everyday for a couple of months after I got home after my month long stay in the mental hospital. This is because I also attempted to jump Infront of a train, and was caught climbing over the railing of the cliffside park at the seafront. I was really ready to die and thought nobody would miss me.

While at the hospital I had to have 30 stitches, one set in the muscular layer and the other set on the skin to close the wound. I have to go through physiotherapy because I lost my ability to fully play my violin due to some tendon damage. I get phantom pains and itchiness where my scar is, regularly. I still can't lift heavy things or strain because it gets painful.

I am still a spiritual person despite the blackness and cold nothing. I felt peaceful, and remember being angry when I woke up and realized I was still alive. I was angry, and for the first couple of weeks I thought none of this was real and that the people, the hospital, everything was really a different plane of existing like it was my hell. I was on monitored doses of morphine and sleeping pills at the hospital and the food was good and people were nice. I had to wear a cast for a while too. While I was in hospital there was some shithead vegan guy who came in for 72 hours for telling a cop he would kill himself but when I tried to talk to him he didn't care or want to know what happened to me. He was the worst, and luckily everyone else was great.

I'm doing ok now. I'm not perfectly fine yet and still have some days where I just want to cry but I keep it together. I've been playing my violin more, doing more artwork, keeping busy with charity work and I would say yeah I have changed. I am more physically fit and have more self confidence. I don't care anymore so much about people's opinions or if they like me or not, which has done wonders for the anxiety. I have more friends, and just live my life one day at a time. I am no longer ashamed of being just me. I am still a catholic and still believe there is a world beyond ours. There might not be,but I don't think anyones near death stories can really explain anything. Some people see a heaven, and we'll I just saw solitude and blackness. So take from that what you will. I'm a lot happier now and I have learned through therapy,better coping skills.

[Wren]

I really appreciate you sharing your experience, and the follow up!

One day at a time ♡.

[Jeston]

Originally Posted by Caf002 ↗

I understand, my dear. Your DR friends are here for you.

This is not a hug box, I am here to watch people die.

[flailingmeatmech]

Originally Posted by Jeston ↗

This is not a hug box, I am here to watch people die.

good thing this entire website was made just for you!

[Shelbeano ^-^]

Originally Posted by venerablemofo ↗

Hope ur feeling better now. Always remember, there are tons of people much worse off in shitholes than whatever plight we're in. Please stay positive.

This doesn't negate what the original poster feels; just because someone else has it worse doesn't mean you shouldn't feel the way you do. Someone will always have it worse than you.

That said, please get help. It does do amazing things when you find a therapist you mesh with.

[stfmg]

Please, don't do that..

[RestInPepperoni]

you better make the most of this life its all you have...the "solitude" is waiting for you

[Menalipa]

You did it wrong. Next time do an horizontal cut