[chris]

I'm going to go check on her; wait no, she’s fine, it's only been about twelve hours, far meeker women have lasted much longer than this. She has tone, definite muscle definition along her arms and thighs. She probably works out, three maybe four days a week I would imagine. Most gyms offer free tanning too, and she uses it, it's twenty-six degrees outside and her skin is perfectly brown, only the occasional white streaks near her feet, and a pronounced strip along her bikini line.

She should be okay, I mean she must be breathing, if not, she would be all slumped over. She seems calm now, even passive, she’s likely resigned herself to her new situation, or it could be the drugs; it’s most likely the drugs.

Fuck me, did I get the dose right? I researched it, it must be right. Christ, it’s not like I got it from Wikipedia, these are medical research papers, published, and peer reviewed. It’s right, it must be. Did I calculate her height and weight right though, after all, those are just guesstimates. No, she’s fine, I’m just over reacting. I should have just smashed her in the face with a fucking hammer, it’s not like I don’t have a thousand fucking hammers laying around, but no, I had to dose this one, wait, I take that back, I needed to does this one, she’s perfect, and I need her to stay that way, at least for now.

Attachment 836733

[Druss]

That looks really good so far

Definitely sets the tone, dark and undoubtedly sinister, the creepy, hesitant self doubt of the protagonist adds a great deal of depth.

Would you continue in the first person or sort of zoom out into an omni-present narrative, or maybe go back and forth between the two?

I've always been more comfortable with a third person narrative with my own stuff, my latest project (a noir style detective series) is all first person though and I find it rather tricky to give it quite as rich a presence as this has from the outset

Also, I like the imagery of a thousand hammers laying around, immediately makes me second guess my own assessment of the character's sanity. Is it hyperbole? Is it literal? Could it even be a metaphor? He/she is clearly a bit of a wrong 'un so it's entirely feasible they could have an immense hammer collection for smashing faces, the glib nature of their thoughts about it really throws a curve ball.

Looking forward to seeing where this might go

[Analcuck]

It's good stuff. The punctuation is a little sloppy, but content is king. Engaging, and invites the reader to ask for more. Will there be more?

[chris]

Originally Posted by Druss ↗

Would you continue in the first person or sort of zoom out into an omni-present narrative, or maybe go back and forth between the two?

My goal is to continue the first person, as that is hard for me, my natural style is third person. So for this I wanted to make sure I stayed first person, active voice. Both those things I have trouble with, so I have to keep a conscious effort to focus on both.

Originally Posted by Druss ↗

Is it hyperbole? Is it literal? Could it even be a metaphor?

It's hyperbole, the goal was to try and draw out the characters personality, in my head he is prone to hyperbole. =)

Thanks man, I appreciate your insight. Once I add more, I will nag you to look over it again! lol

[chris]

Originally Posted by AnalSimms ↗

It's good stuff. The punctuation is a little sloppy, but content is king. Engaging, and invites the reader to ask for more. Will there be more?

Too many commas? In my mind I was trying to portray random , stuttering thoughts, but any guidance would be appreciated. =)

[Analcuck]

I have a heroin addict to do a bit of recovery coach work with right now, but I will come back with my red ink pen afterwards - keeping in mind your choppiness of thought device. :-D

[chris]

Originally Posted by AnalSimms ↗

I have a heroin addict to do a bit of recovery coach work with right now, but I will come back with my red ink pen afterwards - keeping in mind your choppiness of thought device. :-D

Thanks man, even if you just give me general things to look out for, that would be helpful.

[Analcuck]

I'm going to go check on her; wait, no, she’s fine. It's only been about twelve hours; far meeker women have lasted much longer than this. She has tone, definite muscle definition along her arms and thighs. I would imagine she works out, three, maybe four days a week. Most gyms offer free tanning too, and she uses it—it's twenty-six degrees outside, and her skin is perfectly brown—only the occasional white streaks near her feet, and a pronounced strip along her bikini line.

She should be okay... I mean, she must be breathing; if not, she would be all slumped over, right? She seems calm now, even passive—she’s likely resigned herself to her new situation, or it could be the drugs—it’s most likely the drugs.

Fuck me, did I get the dose right? I researched it, it must be right. Christ, it’s not like I got it from Wikipedia! These are medical research papers, published and peer reviewed. It’s right, it must be. Did I calculate her height and weight right though? After all, those are just guesstimates. No, she’s fine, I’m just overreacting. I should have just smashed her in the face with a fucking hammer; it’s not like I don’t have a thousand fucking hammers lying around—but no, I had to dose this one, wait, I take that back—I needed to dose this one; she’s perfect, and I need her to stay that way, at least for now.



Didn't change much. Take it all with a grain of salt. Emdashes are useful when writing poetry and stream of consciousness style prose; they usually denote a list of descriptors that float between two or more major related points.

There was one typo (does/dose), overreacting written as two words, and one egregious use of a question mark after a declarative; also, there were places where a semicolon seemed more appropriate than a comma. But again, your content is excellent. I love how he loses his shit for a moment thinking about how much easier things would have been with a hammer... then collects himself to go back into methodical stalker mode. Great stuff.

[chris]

Thanks man, going to study your corrections! Thanks for the help!

[Analcuck]

Originally Posted by chris ↗

Thanks man, going to study your corrections! Thanks for the help!

If I were to recommend anything content-wise it would be to try and sneak in some hints of their surroundings and perhaps add a little more texture to their physical descriptions. Little details like having a sore knee or a cute mole on her temple... that sort of thing.