19 Year Old Inebriated Woman Bites Dog

[Nellie Bly]

Police were called to a Chicago home during the early morning hours of Tuesday in response to complaints of an animal bite — only to find the animal was not the biter but the bite-ee.

19-year old Analise J. Garner stumbled home drunk after a night of underage drinking. It’s unclear what happened next, but somehow the inebriated teen managed to pick a fight with both her 37-year old mother and, apparently, the family’s 80-pound English bulldog.

Her mother emerged from the altercation with scratches on her face and bite marks on her hands, and, according to the Chicago Tribune, the dog suffered three bite marks on its back. According to the police who were called to the scene, puncture marks were visible against the dog’s white fur.

In addition to gratifying newspaper editors everywhere, Garner has been charged with animal cruelty, domestic battery and underage drinking. She was released from the county jail on Monday after posting bail on $3,000 bond. She is due in court on May 23.

The teen didn’t come out unscathed from the dispute. “The bulldog finally did bite her back in self-defense,” Sgt. Mike Smith told the Chicago Tribune, noting that all dog bites are reported to Animal Control. However, he added, “there were no charges against the dog.”

[SeaGrave]

What a dumb cunt.

[Nellie Bly]

A bartender once told me, "Liquor has no brain", when I turned down a drink from a guy.

When he told me it was paid for, I told him to leave it there and walked away.