Sorry this is probably going to be long... but I too, just stumbled upon your posts and want you to know that I also give a shit about you. I don't know you, have never spoken to you, but you are a human being and for me, that is enough.
I can also assure you that jerking off to other peoples' misery is definitely NOT why I have been here for 11 years. It's more about my overwhelming, overbearing and strange relationship with "death" overall. Long story, but I am not here for pleasure of any kind.
I have been through HELL. I have lived a full lifetime before the age of 26 (I am 50 now), and went through a hell of a lot after that point in my life. Murdered best friends, friends who killed themselves, severe abuse, near death instances a few times, loss of a child, and other depths of despair too many to mention. There were plenty of times when I was under 25 before having my daughter that I wanted to die. Life, at times, for me was pure agony.
The birth of my daughter when I was 25, of course, was a game changer but it was only after I turned age 35-40 did I start to realize that had I NOT gone through, and survived all of that trauma... not only would I not likely be around, but I wouldn't have my amazing daughter. I wouldn't have eventually found the amazing love of my life (at age 43). I wouldn't have grown over time with my amazing family, some very dear friends, and my furry animal companions that honestly, have all been a little part of my "salvation"... and some very enjoyable hobbies and past-times that bring me immense joy.
I never would have figured out what I'm REALLY good at as well as what I'm REALLY good at that I LOVE. I never would have figured out how to live life outside of my own bubble. I wouldn't have been able to figure out that life really begins when you truly learn to stop worrying about ANYTHING you cannot control. It is a very difficult process to stop, but I swear it's like magic when you do.
Most importantly, I would have never learned that life most definitely evolves; drastically and often. Your whole state of mind, your perspectives on what you fret over, your convictions, what you no longer allow to knock you over, how you eat, love, work, sleep, read, write, think... everything... it all evolves and changes.
All of the trauma and hardships I've endured were extremely difficult in the moment and for a period of time after. They are still always there to pluck at me from time to time. But those things have been my absolute BEST teachers in this life. They have taught me how to adapt, how to cope with the next shoe that drops, how to absorb both good and bad things, and how to prevent a lot of my hardships from even happening. They've made me smarter, stronger, and have sharpened my already very strong instincts about everything.
The other thing you need to know... time goes by so much slower when you're younger. But it absolutely flies by after you stop wishing you were older (I want to be 16 so I can drive, I want to be 18 so I live on my own, I want to be 21 so I can drink, etc.) After I had a child at 25 is when it started for me. As soon as I started focusing on something other than my own misery. After those milestones, each year it keeps getting faster and faster.
If you're thinking that you just can't cope anymore... I'm here to tell you that you can. And you will. You will survive it all if you can just remember that your life is going to evolve, your way of thinking will change. Time will provide you with many answers if you can just put a little trust in this very experienced stranger's words. As a stranger, I have no reason to lie to you.
If you can't envision being able to like yourself, or if you feel like you currently don't have people around you that love you who would be devastated to lose you... consider all the people in your future that will be around to love you and want to be in your presence.
Speaking on what someone said about regret. 9 out of 10 people who attempt suicide will not go on to die by suicide. Most people who die by suicide had no previous attempts. There most certainly is regret. One person who survived a jump off the Golden Gate bridge said he knew as soon as his fingers left the rail that he had made a huge mistake. He was lucky to survive that jump and it gave him all the clarity I spoke about above in an instant.
I could keep spewing things to you, but the most important thing you need to remember is that whatever it is driving you to the thought of ending it all, is temporary. This will probably be the most confusing time of your life. Your better judgment is understandably strained. You may believe this is the easiest way to ease your suffering, but I promise you that surviving it is truly something to be proud of. I can't emphasize or really even explain this enough.
You will not be the same person in 2 years that you are today. You definitely will not be the same person in 5 years and beyond. Life is ever changing and it IS short enough as it is.
You can overcome this. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and some time, which is probably the two most difficult things to do right now. Talk to someone who can help you in the meantime. Someone qualified to talk about this without any personal biases or judgment. Start researching other survivors' stories and see how this has changed their perspectives.
I wish you the best and would love to talk to you in 10 years to see how your life has evolved.
Well said, very well said. Makes me think about why I am here. Maybe sometime I will write about it. I'm 67, living in Northern California.