[InfoWarrior]

Original ad:
Collector looking for vintage scotch, rum, cognac, bourbon, etc. Willing to pay top dollar for fine bottles.
From Timmy Tucker to **********@**********.org

Hey there! I saw your ad on ********** and have some "vintage" liquor you may be interested in.

I have about half a handle of Captain Morgan's Rum, a rare vintage rum from the Caribbean. I bought this at a liquor store on Long Island in 2007, and believe that its taste has really aged to perfection. I am willing to sell this for $300.

I also have a very rare bottle of Aristocrat Tequila. You can taste the fine vintage in every sip. I acquired it from a friend who says he bought it at a liquor store in Baltimore in 2005. You can really taste that southern atmosphere in this one! Due to its rarity, I will sell this for $500.

Also, if you are interested, I have about half a case of vintage Natural Ice beer. It was acquired from a frat party I was at about a month ago. This frat has a very old history with Syracuse, and that history came with the beer. It doesn't get much more vintage than this. I will part with this at $50 per can.

I really hate to see this stuff go, but after my third DUI, the court ordered me to do a program that involves me staying sober, so I think it is best that I part with this rare liquor.

Please let me know if you are interested. I have several other buyers lined up, so I will need to know very soon.

Thanks,

Tim

From Evan ******* to Me

Tim,

You must be crazy to consider that bottom-end liquor "vintage." I am not interested and am insulted that you would even try to sell me such cheap liquor at such ridiculous prices.

Evan

From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******

Evan,

I am very disappointed that you are not interested in these vintage treasures. Every bottle and can I sell comes with priceless historic value. Please reconsider, because I don't think you will find an offer like this anywhere else.

- Tim

From Evan ******* to Me

Are you nuts? You want to sell me beer you stole from a frat, that is a month old, for $50 a can? I am NOT INTERESTED.

From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******

Evan,

I did not steal that beer, and I resent the accusation. Please reconsider purchasing this. I am a recovering alcoholic, and fear that I will drink again if I am unable to get rid of this booze. Please do not make me drink again!

Tim

From Evan ******* to Me

Why don't you just throw the booze away? You have problems, man.

From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******

WJKAJF EVAN U RUNED MY LIF. I DRNK ALL THE BOTTLE. U MADE ME CRSH MY CAR AND RUN AWAY NOW POLICE RJSGJKEW. WIFE IN HOSPTAL. i HATE U EVEN U DISTROY LIFE

[LissaMarie88]

I WANT THE GUN CUP COMBO COLLECTION! >.< mike partlow is my hero !!!

[johnleeknoefler]

Originally Posted by InfoWarrior ↗

Disguised Weapons
Posted at: 2010-02-09 06:06:07
Original ad:
**** Disguisable weapons wanted ****
Wanted: hidden blades, belt buckle knives, cane swords, etc.....
Offering: cash, items for barter
From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

This was the greatest of all. What's funny is that the prices aren't even that bad. Just a bit high but still doable. The twat was offended ? I would of been saying thanks for making me laugh my ass off. And I would of been dropping serious cash for some of that.

[InfoWarrior]

Comatose Grandma Sitter
Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:58:37
What a bitch!
Original ad:
hi there i am a 22 year old female babysitter looking for a job. i am available pretty much all the time so if you need someone to look after your kid, let me know!
From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad about babysitting and am very interested. My grandmother is in the hospital and is probably going to die. She is never awake when I am there, and the doctors say she is only awake for about 5 minutes every couple of days. The problem is, I need her to sign a re-drafted will I wrote so I can get all of her stuff when she dies. Right now she has all of her money going to my bitch sister and her family. I don't have the time to sit there and watch her all day because I have better things to do. I need you to sit at the hospital and watch her in case she wakes up, and then make her sign the will. I will pay you $10 an hour for this job.

Thanks,

Tim

From ***********@gmail.com to Me

no thanks that is sick! show some sympathy you prick!

From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com

Obviously I am not offering you enough money. I will pay you $15 an hour, but in return I need you to unplug her life support after you get her to sign the will.

From ***********@gmail.com to Me

YOU ARE FUCKING SICK I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL

From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com

You clearly do not have the right mindset to enter the fast-paced industry of babysitting. I will find a babysitter that has a little bit more balls than you.

From ***********@gmail.com to Me

FUCK OFF

[InfoWarrior]

Turtle Sandbox
Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:46:23
From Timmy Tucker to ***********@**********.org
RE: Swingset Assembly

Hey,

I saw you are looking for someone to assemble your wooden swing set. First off, I must say that a swing set is a horrible toy for a child. I had a swing set as a kid, and broke three of my ribs and tore my ACL on it. My career in little league soccer was ruined. I recommend that you get your child a sandbox. I have an old sandbox that I am not using, and would be willing to sell to you for $300. It is an awesome sandbox. It is shaped like a turtle, and the lid is part of the turtle too. It comes with beautiful sand filled from a beach on Coney Island, NY. Let me know if you are interested.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

i dont want your sandbox. i already bought the swingset for my kid and am sticking with that. its your own damn fault you got hurt on your swingset

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

John,

Actually it is not my fault. The swingset had a faulty design and the swing came off while I was in the air, and I was sent flying into oncoming traffic. I am lucky to be alive. If you do not want your son mangled by a Dodge Caravan, then you should buy my sandbox instead. Sandboxes are 100% safe.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

fuck your sandbox. i want my kid to have fun, not to sit in some dirty ass sand from new york. i am not an idiot and will not set up my swingset where my child can be thrown into oncoming traffic.

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

Well it sounds like you won't set up your swingset at all without my help. Are you a quadriplegic? Why are you incapable of putting a swingset together?

If you are a quadriplegic and I have offended you, I am sorry. In that case, would you be interested in my sandbox for your crippled body to relax in? Seeing as you can't use the swingset anyway, it would be way more practical for you.

From John ******** to Me

FUCK OFF STOP EMAILING ME

[InfoWarrior]

Camry Killer
Posted at: 2009-06-09 18:52:47
Original ad:
selling 1997 toyota camry. 146k miles. engine and transmission in good shape. was in minor fender bender, damage shown in pictures
From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

Let me just introduce myself. My name is Mike, and two weeks ago my dog was hit and killed by a car in Manayunk. The driver did not stop. He was hit by a white '97 Toyota Camry. With the side of the bumper bashed in like in your pictures. I thought I would never find the killer, but then I saw the murderers car for sale in Manayunk on **********! YOURS. What, are you trying to get rid of the evidence? You killed my dog of 8 years, and didn't even stop. I had to tell my kids that they would never see him again. Now they just look dead inside, like their soul was taken from them. I can't blame them.

We can't bring Skip back to life, but I want you to come here and apologize to my kids. And buy them a new dog. It is the least you could do.

E-mail me back and we'll set up a time.

- Mike

From derek ******* to Me

what? i didnt hit your fucking dog. no way im buying you a new dog

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

There's no denying it. I've got you dead to rights. The car that hit my dog is unmistakably yours. I even remember seeing your Outer Banks bumper sticker as I watched the car drive away, leaving Skip in a mangled mess in the middle of the street.

Maybe you were drunk and didn't remember? That doesn't make you any less guilty.

From derek ******* to Me

are you fucking serious i didnt hit your dog!!! i even called my girlfriend and she had no idea what i was talking about. you are mistaken

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

No I am not. Does your girlfriend have long hair? I didn't get a good look at the killer's face, but I saw long hair from behind as they sped away. I just assumed it was a man because of their huge shoulders.

From derek ******* to Me

yes she has long hair but she didnt hit your dog. where did this happen?

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

You know where it happened. Right here in Manayunk. I think your girlfriend is lying to you. I would like to meet both of you and have a good chat with you two so I can figure out which one of you is lying.

From derek ******* to Me

no this is ridiculous neither of us hit your dog. im sorry it happened but this is not my fault

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

Why would you be sorry if you didn't do it? Seems like you feel guilty about murdering my dog. Just own up to it. Do the right thing. For my kids.

[InfoWarrior]

The Shaniqua Chronicles pt. 1
Posted at: 2009-06-08 00:51:29
Original ad:
**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
ay yo girl i gots a ford explorer for you

its not really a 1997 its a 1985
and its not really a ford explorer its a ford bronco but its like the same thing

here are the specs if your interested:
-217,292 miles
-transmission is in good shape, 5th gear and reverse work but the rest dont
-the V6 engine was replaced with a V8, gas mileage is pretty good - i got about 12 mpg highway the other day but that was with premium
-power windows but you have to turn a crank to roll them down
-tape player - it does play but there is a def leppard tape jammed in there and it won't come out. great for def leppard fans!
-i am a smoker so you can smell it in the car, but ill throw in an air-freshener for an extra 10 bucks
-it came with front airbag, but it deployed in my last accident and i didnt get it replaced. broncos are safe though so you wont have to worry about an airbag.
-the air conditioning does not work anymore, but it used to and was really cold.
-heat works if you drive the car for a while
-the frame is bent due to an accident with a tractor trailer, but as long as you dont drive over 40 you shouldnt have any problems
-it can seat five which is good for kids, but the back seat has beer and urine stains. they have been professionally treated with windex
-the rear window is missing, but has been repaired with saran wrap
-you will need to have some minor repairs done: new brakes, the rear axle is missing, needs a new radiator and coolant system. i spoke to my friend who knows a lot about cars and he said it shouldnt cost more than a few bucks.
im asking for $7,500 but am willing to negotiate.
let me know what you think
-ted

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

No thanks.That's not what I'm looking for it's too old and not even the right type of Ford.Have a nice day :)

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

I'm willing to drop the price to $7,000 and throw in a phil collins cassette tape for the tape player. even though it may seem old, it still runs like it was OJ's bronco. and don't worry about it not being an explorer. all fords are built ford tough.

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

I don't think that you read my ad.I don't have $7000.00 to spend on a truck much less a DAMN 1985 BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!You should be willing to give that old ass piece of shit away.GO AWAY and leave me the hell alone STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

I see you are a tough negotiator. My final offer is $6,900, and I'll include a floormat from my 1983 cutlass supreme. this floormat is brown with several stains and cigarette burns, but it will keep the beautiful bronco interior very clean. please consider this generous offer.

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

READ THE AD 1500 THAT'S IT.I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN FORD BRONCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

Okay, I can see that this luxurious bronco is out of your price range. That is okay. I have a cheaper car that you may be interested in.
It is a 1996 Geo Metro. Almost EXACTLY the same as a Ford Explorer. When looking at the two, I personally can't even tell the difference.
It was my son's car, but he lost his license after his third DUI, so now I am stuck with it. I have no use for it though, and would be willing to sell it to you for $1550.
Features:
- 246,000 HIGHWAY miles
- AM radio, great for traffic reports and radio disney
- 3 great tires from Walmart, they still have about 200 miles worth of tread on them
- Partially functional transmission. Reverse does not work, but you don't really need that anyway.
- Due to a wheel alignment problem, the car can only turn right. But with power steering, it makes turning right easy. Three right turns can make a left.
- No title
- Currently needs brakes, exhaust, cat converter, a front wheel and rotor, and a motor to pass inspection. But as long as you don't get pulled over, who cares about inspection?
- The paint is a metallic/rust red. Some of the spots have rusted through, but I covered it up with duct tape and spray paint. Looks good as new!
- Comes with THE CLUB, a state of the art anti-theft device. But i lost the key to it, so its stuck on the steering wheel. great for leaving your car in west philly!
- The gas tank currently leaks gas, so MPG is around 6 or 7 depending on how fast you drive. You just need to keep plugging the hole with gum.
At that price, this car is a DEAL! Let me know what you think.

SHANIQUA *********** to Me

YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA ***********

so you don't want the geo? you're missing out on a dream car. tell you what, for that price, I will also include three old Newsweek magazines, a used toaster, and an old Philadelphia Eagles #81 Terrell Owens jersey.

[InfoWarrior]

The Shaniqua Chronicles pt. 2
Posted at: 2009-06-08 00:52:01
I couldn't resist fucking with her again. I used another e-mail account.
Original ad:
**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
Me to SHANIQUA ***********
Hey there! I saw your ad and I think I have the perfect car for you. I am selling my 2001 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer edition. It is a great car and I hate to see it go, but I need the money to pay off my 2nd DUI fines.

Only 72,000 miles! Here are the features:

- CD Player
- Intact windshield
- Rear tires
- Spare tire
- New windshield wipers
- Beautiful white exterior paint
- Cloth interior

It was in a very MINOR fender bender, however, and will need a few repairs. As you can see from the picture, you may need to replace the passenger-side mirror and headlights in order for the car to pass PA inspection. I took it to a mechanic, and he said that the mirror is fixable.
I was selling the car for $1800, but due to these minor issues, I will drop the price to $1750.

Thanks,

Ryan Jackson

Attachment:

SHANIQUA *********** to Me
Hi I'm sorry I can't afford to buy your truckit looks really nice and I would love to be behind the wheel of it but I can't afford it.My budget will only allow for me to spend 1500 sorry

(she obviously didn't realize there was a picture)

Me to SHANIQUA ***********
tell you what, I'll bump the price down to 1500, but I get to keep the CD player and the passenger seat. and I will clear all of the change out of my ashtray.

this car is a great deal. I've included a picture, check it out and please reconsider!

SHANIQUA *********** to Me
WHY WOULD I BUT A PIECE OF JUNK WHY FOR WHAT YOU BETTA BET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[InfoWarrior]

The Shaniqua Chronicles pt. 3
Posted at: 2009-06-08 00:52:03
Original ad:
**********HEY YOU THERE*************-$1500

HELLO I AM LOOKING FOR A FORD EXPLORER!I NEED A TRUCK SO IF YOU ARE SELLING YOURS AND IT HAS NO PROBLEMS WHAT SO EVER THEN LET ME KNOW. I'M A SINGLE MOTHER OF 3 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS AND WE NEED A WAY TO GET AROUND WHERE NO BODY WILL BE ALL CRAMPED UP AND A EXPLORER WILL DO US JUST FINE. I'M LOOKING TO BUY AROUND THE END OF OCTOBER IF YOU HAVE ONE THAT YOU WANT TO SELL THEN GET AT ME A.S.AP.

(the ad also had a picture of her posing for the camera, like that is necessary for an "auto wanted" ad)
Me to SHANIQUA *************
Hello,

I saw your ad on ********** and I think I have a great car for you. I am selling my 1996 Ford Explorer. I used to work in the film industry, and I got this car after it was used in a movie. It has a custom paint job from the movie set. I barely drive it, so it has only around 60,000 miles on it. I really have no use for it anymore, so I am willing to get rid of it. Take a look at it and let me know what you think. I've attached a few pictures of it. Please note that it did have a MINOR accident involving an animal and may have slight damage.

Thanks!

Attachment:




SHANIQUA ************* to Me
Sir I thank you for trying to help but I don't want to drive the truck from the dinosaur movie.I wouldn't mind if I had money to get it painted over but I don't. Thanks anyway

Me to SHANIQUA *************
I always believe that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and you shouldn't judge this car by its paint job. It has a great engine that will not quit. From the inside, you can't even tell it is painted like that. This car is reliable, and will NOT be going extinct any time soon.

SHANIQUA ************* to Me
No thanks!!!!

Me to SHANIQUA *************
Tell you what, for an extra 50 bucks I will spray paint the entire car flat black. I took an art class in high school so I have some experience painting and it will look great.

SHANIQUA ************* to Me
NO THANKS!!!WHEN YOU GET A SHINY BLUE OR BLACK ONE THEN YOU LET ME KNOW.

Me to SHANIQUA *************
Here's what I am willing to do. For $60, I will spray paint the entire car black, and then cover it with scotch tape so it is shiny. I'll also throw in a VHS of Jurassic Park I taped off of TBS 5 years ago. Includes many classic "retro" commercials that you don't see on TV anymore. A collector's goldmine!

SHANIQUA ************* to Me
NO THANKS TRY SOMEONE ELSE.I'VE ALREADY MADE A DEAL WITH SOMEONE ELSE THEY WILL BE BRINGING ME THE TRUCK TOMORROW MORNING.

Me to SHANIQUA *************
WAIT! Before you make that deal, check out the new, REPAINTED Explorer. I repainted it a nice shiny blue. Please check out the picture and reconsider!

Attachment:

[vulturedoors]

LOL at the shotgun through the tissue box.