According to the American Academy of Cosmetic Dentistry, teeth whitening is the most requested cosmetic service today. Last year alone, Americans spent 1.4 billion dollars on over-the-counter whitening products to obtain that classic Hollywood smile.
What people don’t realize is that most sparkly-mouthed celebrities, from Ryan Gosling to Ryan Seacrest, don’t even have teeth—they’re all porcelain veneers, and those things cost a fortune. The other thing that people don’t realize is that the secret to a perfect smile has actually been inside of them the whole time, sitting right behind their dickholes and vaginaholes.
That’s right, urine is the absolute best teeth-whitening product you can find. It’s chemical-free, effective, and costs nothing at all. Since the days of ancient Rome, people have been using urine to whiten their teeth. Romans would also use it to do their dishes and laundry, since the ammonia in urine functions as a natural cleaner. Yup, Romans just pissed everywhere and they became a global power! So for two weeks, while on a family vacation at an all-you-can-drink resort, I gargled my piss in the hopes of achieving a brighter smile. No regrets.
While preparing for my trip, I packed a little book entitled Urine Therapy (written by Germans, obviously), and any time I was feeling shy or doubtful, I referred back to it like it was my Bible. Now it kind of is my Bible. The main thing that I got from it is this: It’s not weird or gross to do things with your pee besides flushing it down the toilet or bringing a Japanese businessman to orgasm over Skype. And it’s especially not weird to pee into a cup and then put that cup to your lips, gargle and swish your own warm bodily fluids, and savor the bouquet on your palate like a fine wine. Totally, totally not weird at all.
The first couple of times I did it my pee was almost orange. It was super salty, and tasted exactly like it had been produced in the bathroom of a Mexican Walmart. Only once did I gag and start to cry, but on the upside, it did cure my sore throat.
I realized gradually that the main problem with my pee-tasting sessions was not only what I had eaten beforehand, like massive quantities of salt and coleslaw, but also that I was too sober. Alcohol, I learned, makes pee much more tolerable, both on the psychological and physical level. Coffee, on the other hand, does not. One time I threw back a cup of pee that had the flavor of a bitter espresso shot. Certain substances just don’t get fully processed by your body—one infamous example being the acid in asparagus, which just comes out ready to party. It didn’t take long before I was regulating my food and beverage consumption based on how I wanted my piss to taste.
Throughout my family vacation I kept sneaking off to the bathroom to read Urine Therapy, and eventually pee became my answer to every problem. My father felt sick to his stomach, so I explained how drinking urine relieves nausea. My mother said she felt fat, so I told her about a remedy for obesity, which involves wrapping your body in urine and plastic wrap for two hours a day. My brother complained about a pain in his ear, so I urged him to “put some pee in it.” Soon it got out of control, and by the end of the vacation everybody knew that I was fucking around with my own piss, which explained why I kept going to the bathroom for long periods of time. My mother confronted me about it. I assured her that it was natural, healthy, sustainable, and non-toxic. She stopped speaking to me.
At the end of the vacation my teeth still hadn’t met my whiteness standards, but I felt like I was off to a solid start. I also took up smoking, and I’m pretty sure the urine is counteracting the negative effects that nicotine has on teeth. As an added bonus, inhaling urine can help alleviate symptoms of asthma and other respiratory problems.
Clearly, the most important lesson from all this is that pee is magical and can do pretty much anything. So not only could regular people benefit from gargling urine in order to achieve a Hollywood smile, but Hollywood could also benefit from a gigantic tsunami of urine that would sweep away every celebrity problem in a yellow flood: Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s, Nick Cannon’s rare form of lupus, Roger Ebert’s face, John Travolta’s Scientology… all cured through the magic of piss.
If you’re interested in putting your own piss in your mouth (and if you read any of the above, you should be), I’ve created a handy how-to list based on what I learned from Urine Therapy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.
HOW TO DRINK YOUR OWN PISS:
1) Make sure you don’t have a dirty urethra... Unless you want to kill yourself, which you might. I don’t know, I’m not you.
2) Find a neat cup that will make you happy to drink out of. This will counteract the emotional stress you are about to endure. Perhaps a coffee mug with your grade school graduation portrait printed on it? I chose a measuring cup.
3) Time to pee. Make sure not to capture the first pee that comes out of your dickhole and/or lady parts. This pee is filled with bacteria and shouldn’t be consumed. (As opposed to midstream urine, which should always be consumed. Always.)
4) Do you remember when you were a virgin and it was cool to practice stopping yourself from peeing so that you could “last longer” or have a tighter pussy? (Everyone did that, right?) That’s kind of what you have to do to capture a clean stream without pissing on your hands.
5) Once you are satisfied with your pee collection, put the cup aside and finish up. Congratulations, that is a nice cup of urine.
6) Now you’re going to want to just go ahead and gargle your piss as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more ammonia develops in your urine, and ammonia is what makes your pee smell, and therefore taste, bad. Ammonia is also sort of poisonous, but it’s also the shit that’s going to get your teeth white, so I guess your wait-time is really up to you and how badly you want white teeth.
7) Swish your hot pee around in your mouth. Don’t be shy. Try to keep it in your mouth for as long as possible. Swallow a little if you want. Shit, swallow it all—you’re alone (right?).
9) Regain your composure and re-enter society. Don’t tell anyone what you just did. Keep it a secret, and continue to live your normal life as if you hadn’t essentially just pissed in your own mouth.
10) Repeat this over 1,000 times and, voilà, you’ve got yourself a nice set o’ pearly whites. And maybe a newfound urine-drinking fetish.
You didn't think you were going to get away from this post without watching a video diary of Kara's little teeth whitening experiment, did you?