Crackhead Catfight

**Vedderman** · #1 ● 05-18-2015, 01:41 AM

Well, more of an ambush, really. But I like alliteration in my titles and it was close enough.

This sordid tale involves two dear friends, united by the bonds of loyalty, mutual interest, and goodwill. Their names were Luana and Diuli. They enjoyed a long and storied history of adventure, but their favorite thing to do together, more than anything else in the world, was smoking crack out of crushed beer cans. Preferably in exotic locales such as the local sewage culvert, the Blair Witch's cottage, and, in a pinch, any dilapidated old shack.

Unfortunately for all involved, poor Diuli spent most of her time in music electives during secondary school and consequently missed out on too much basic math. Her command of numbers and accounting was woefully lacking. Luana was content to fill the gap, but the trouble came into paradise when Lu started getting stuck with too many of the crack bills. She smoked only as much as Diuli, but paid for both their shares. This math sat uneasy in Lu's head. She may have considered discussing it with her stalwart companion, but perhaps she worried about the risks involved. Whatever her rationale, Luana went another way.

After inviting Diuli to one of their favorite spots (a stylish brick bungalow with an open concept floorplan and a custom skylight), they smoked crack together out of a beer can, as usual. When the sweets were gone, Diuli complained that the crack was lackin and opined that a night without mo crack would indeed be whack.

Luana, prepared for this unsurprising eventuality, advised her friend that there was a whole bucket of crack in the corner. Diuli rose to appropriate the hidden victuals, but was quite dismayed when Lu got up behind her and laid into the occipital region with a stealthily-concealed 2x4.

Diuli dropped like a stone, but Luana was interested in a reckoning. No idea how much crack ol' Diu had Bogarted over the years, but it was apparently plenty. Lu gave her the business about half a dozen times with the board, then left her where she fell.

Lu may have been wiser to vacate the premises, but her strong suit was math...not foresight. So instead of fleeing the scene, she pulled out the old beer can and smoked a fresh batch of crack, sitting about three feet away from her erstwhile friend's corpse.

And there she sat some hours later when the police finally arrived, alerted by various phone calls from neighbors or passersby reporting Diuli's death screams. She didn't bother to deny the charge and is currently in custody.

The image of the living woman below is Luana. The dead one is obviously the dear departed Diuli.

Update 24 Hours Later: Luana has now changed her statement to claim that Diuli was responsible for the death of one of family members some time earlier, rather than for unpaid crack debts, as she originally stated. Much like Jack McCall's testimony when charged with the murder of Wild Bill Hickock (He killed my brother in Abilene!), Brazil is a country where the sentencing process shows great latitude if the crime was a 'vengeance killing' for a murdered family member. This is one of many cases I have found wherein the accused uses this defense, regardless of the circumstances of the crime.