[Vedderman]

This year's heartwarming holiday story finds us in the always-classy Dominican Republic. Unsurprising, given how much of our material is sourced from there these days.

The Christmas celebrations and all their joy were winding down. The presents had been distributed and opened, carols caroled, and the turkey comas were all in full swing after a hearty holiday meal. Alexandra in her Daisy Dukes was cleaning up the dishes while her adoring husband, the ever-lovable Eddie 'the Little Bull' sprawled listlessly on the couch and watched the game.

But hark! What merry sound rattles at the particle-board doorway of this cozy Christmas home? A messenger from afar with tidings of great joy? A holiday herald with armloads of unexpected gifts?

No indeed. It is but Johnny 'the Cat', longtime friend of Little Bull, part-time con artist, some-time stickup man, and fulltime gentleman-about-town. He's arrived with a special delivery of Yuletide cheer, as befits a Cat of his stature: a dime bag of stank and a soiled Crown Royal bag with an object of dubious and indeterminable origin inside.

Little Bull and his feline companion take up positions on the sofa and break out the gutter dime, ruminating jointly upon matters of great import and high sophistication as the clouds of smog fill the crowded salon with billowing waves of miasmatic aroma.

Alexandra, ever-wary of the dubious Cat and his wicked ways, keeps a listening ear out from the kitchen as the two gentlemen of leisure discuss their Christmas plans.

Time folds in upon itself in a swirling haze of tryptophan and ditchweed and nightfall draws nigh. It is then that Johnny decides to reveal his own ingenious plan for the darker hours of Christmas Day. The Crown bag disgorges its dubious cargo in the form of a veritable masterwork of martial engineering. An elegant creation of the Cat's own inspired design: The Zipgun of the Blessed Manger.

Brandishing the sleek instrument of dire intent, he opines that Christmas Day is a fine day indeed to go prowling the highways and byways of Hatico de Mao in search of holiday loot bags to purloin. Little Bull can but nod his assent as his own eyes alight with the glow of green.

Alexandra, hearing the nefarious planning from her vantage point in the kitchen, decides the time for holiday resolution is nigh. She enters the great room just in time to see Johnny Cat handing the legendary zipgun to her man, the two clearly preparing for a riotous evening of hellraising and armed appropriation of goods.

"Like HELL you're going out with your hoodlum cat friends, robbing and looting on Christmas Day with me here at home and Even Littler Bull asleep in his cradle!"

Not content to rely on the strength of her oral arguments to sway her fella, she gets an epic burst of inspiration and grabs the zipgun from his weed-slackened grip.

The result is regrettably predictable. A struggle, some shouting, Alexandra slams into the wall, the zipgun changes hands once, twice...meanwhile The Cat, his whiskers twitching in preternatural attunement to pending trouble, begins slinking towards the front door.

And sure as one might expect, the zipgun goes off in a crackling blaze of sparks and smoke, vomiting forth its single-bullet payload of lethality directly into Alexandra's heaving chest, immediately below the clavicle. She staggers back against the door frame, mortally wounded and flip-flops flying.

The Cat absconds with what remains of the holiday weed (and likely a few other choice items besides) while the Little Bull panics and comes free of a marijuana stupor with the stark realization of his actions. He calls the police immediately, requesting an ambulance, but it is far too late. Alexandra does not linger long at Death's Door and dies rather messily on the floor.

Little Bull is clapped in irons and hauled off by the gendarmes, The Cat remains at large, Alexandra is dragged into the morgue, and another year of domestic bliss in the Dominican Republic draws to a miserable close. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight.

[Not_real]

Love your posts. Fucking zip guns. People are so dumb. Should have dumped that shit in a lake.

[Bletch]

Great post!

[normdiaz]

Wives' first rule of marriage -- Never interfere with hubby's business, especially if fire arms are involved.

[Oonie]

Awesome story telling!

[Darkknight1]

Isis would nuke brazil

[vagabond]

Excellent Vedderman! Truly a hilarious read, albeit a sad ending. Love the " tryptophan and ditchweed" thing. What exactly does a zip gun do for ammo? Bullets? I was thinking nails...
I almost didn't read this, was afraid it was about a cat...

[r123]

The entire saga could not help but elevate the miasmatic odours to unbearable levels.

[William May]

This is just as good as "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas"!!! Wondering when they will put out the animated version.

[Kelseecat65]

Thankfully, no real cats were harmed in the making of this post!! As always dude, LOVE it!!